The Freedom of Having Nothing to Hide
Do you want to know one of the greatest gifts resurrecting out of sexual sin and shame has given me?
It happens almost every night around 10:00.
I say goodnight to Lori. Turn out the light. Put my head on my pillow. And I know something that, for 23 years of my life I could never say:
I have no secrets.
There isn’t another Blaine somewhere that Lori doesn’t know about. There isn’t a browser history I’m afraid someone will discover, a conversation I need to delete, a story I need to keep straight, or a part of my life I’m terrified will eventually come into the light.
For 23 years, that wasn’t true. I lived with a secret Blaine. There was the man people knew, and there was the man I was desperately trying to keep them from knowing.
I didn’t know how to stop my sexual behavior. And because I couldn’t stop it, I became increasingly ashamed of it. So I hid it. Shame doesn’t simply make you feel bad about what you’ve done. Eventually, shame rewrites the story of who you believe you are.
We Were Never Designed to Hide
There are six remarkable words near the beginning of the human story:
“Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” — Genesis 2:25
We tend to read that as a verse about clothing. I think it’s much bigger. It’s a picture of wholeness.
Nothing covered. Nothing concealed. Nothing managed.
What was true of Adam and Eve privately was true of them publicly. There wasn’t yet a public self and a private self. They were fully known and had no fear of being known.
Heart, mind, soul and body were moving in the same direction.
That’s wholeness.
Then Genesis 3 happens. Sin enters the story, and suddenly they see themselves differently. They experience shame. They cover themselves. They hide. And eventually, they blame.
Shame → covering → hiding → disconnection.
The moment shame entered, integration ended and management began.
Human beings suddenly had an image to protect.
Shame Creates Two Versions of You
This may be one of shame’s most destructive effects: it fractures us.
There is the person I present and the person I protect. The public me and the private me. The church me and the internet me. The husband me and the fantasy me. The person everyone thinks I am and the person I’m terrified they might discover.
And trust me on this… maintaining two lives is exhausting.
We become experts at presenting a version of ourselves instead of offering the whole of ourselves.
And this isn’t limited to sexual sin. We hide grief. Anger. Doubt. Trauma. Resentment. Marriage problems. Financial problems. Compulsions. Loneliness. Fear. Failure.
Sexual addiction just happens to be exceptionally good at teaching us how to hide.
Fig Leaves Don’t Heal Anything
Genesis says Adam and Eve sewed fig leaves together.
I sometimes think of it as humanity’s first PR department.
Something is wrong inside, so let’s manage how we appear outside.
We still manufacture fig leaves. Success can become one. Ministry can become one. Humor can become one. Spiritual language can become one. Achievement can become one.
Even vulnerability can become a fig leaf. I’ll tell you enough of my struggle to appear authentic, but not enough for you to actually know me.
The tragedy of the fig leaves is that they didn’t heal Adam and Eve. They simply helped them hide.
Covering is not healing.
Then God Asks a Stunning Question
“Where are you?” — Genesis 3:9
Of course, God wasn’t fooled by Adam’s hide and seek game. He knew exactly where Adam was.
The question was an invitation.
Adam, where have you gone?
The first question God asks hiding humanity isn’t, “What did you do?” It’s relational: “Where are you?”
And I believe God is still asking hiding people that question.
Where are you?
Where is the real you? How long are you going to keep managing two lives? How long will you allow shame to convince you that being known is more dangerous than remaining hidden?
Shame’s Greatest Lie
Shame whispers something incredibly powerful:
If they really knew you, they wouldn’t love you.
So we hide.
But here’s the cruel irony. When you’re hiding something significant and someone tells you they love you, part of you struggles to receive their love.
Because somewhere inside you’re thinking, Yeah, but you don’t know everything.
You can be surrounded by people who love you and still feel completely alone when nobody actually knows you.
Freedom began for me when I stopped protecting the secret Blaine.
It wasn’t painless. Truth cost me.
But hiding was costing me more.
Over time, something began happening that I had almost forgotten was possible:
I became one man again.
Nothing to Hide
That’s why that little moment around 10:00 every night means so much to me.
I turn out the light. Put my head on the pillow.
Nothing to delete. Nothing to explain away. Nothing I’m praying stays undiscovered.
No secret Blaine.
Just me.
Known by God. Known by my wife. Known by brothers who walk closely with me.
Imperfect? Absolutely. Still growing? Every day.
But hiding? No.
Maybe resurrection begins with the same question God asked in the garden:
“Where are you?”
And perhaps the bravest answer any of us can give is:
Here I am. I’m done hiding. ✝
Blaine
PS. I want to thank two people who have been instrumental in my understanding of shame. Dr, Curt Thompson who wrote The Soul of Shame and my dear friend, Pastor Matt Nelson, who understands this topic as well as anyone I know.
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